In the early days of the Covid lockdown, I completed an online training and certification in the Barrett Values system. To me, this felt like such an important method for understanding what truly motivates people.

I learned so much from it, but over the years I’ve also noticed some shortcomings and inconsistencies.

There’s a saying (I’m not sure if it’s Buddhist or from another tradition?) that goes something like this: imagine you’re walking while holding a cup of coffee, and somebody comes around the corner and walks right into you. The liquid goes everywhere. Why did that happen?

Most people would say it’s because somebody else bumped into you. But the truth is, the coffee spilled out because that’s what was in the cup.

The metaphor is that when life bumps up against us, what spills out is what is already in our true nature.

This is where it gets interesting, and where I’ve had challenges with the Barrett Values system over the years. We can choose values – words that feel aligned with us – words that represent who we believe we are, not who we want to become. Words that identify who we are and resonate with.

For me, those values included things like integrity, responsibility, and accountability, but also courage and adventure. Laughter and humor were in there as well. Yet more and more I began to wonder whether those values reflected who I truly was, or simply who I wanted to be. Certainly it was what I wanted more of.

Then I was introduced to the color-coding system in week 19. What a bonus!

In using this system, we were asked to remember how we were as a kid. Not how we are today, and who we’ve been conditioned to become.

Not the traits we’ve adopted because we’ve grown into responsible, respectable, and competent adults operating in a society and culture that is, in many ways, about as far from natural human expression as can be.

We were asked to respond quickly, not to overthink it, but to intuitively choose the option that felt right in that split second. Following the directions, it was revealed that I am a “yellow.”

And over the last several months I’ve seen more and more how true that is. If something isn’t fun, it doesn’t hold my attention.

But going through this training this past weekend revealed so much more on a new level. It exposed what the Barrett Values training did not. There is a major difference between who we truly are in our nature and who we have become as a result of conditioning.

According to the Barrett Values system, we’re not supposed to select the values we think we should have. Yet I believe we inevitably do, because it’s really a reflection of who we have become through years of conditioning.

And we thought it was free will – which it was in many ways – but choices made from fear rather than thriving, faith, and desire.

Now I am waking up to the reality that I truly have not been living a life aligned with who I am at my core. This realization is taking my self-growth and self-development to an entirely new level.

Tony Robbins frequently highlights that “the strongest force in the human personality is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves.”

So yes, I am responsible. I am accountable. I am a person of high integrity. I am those things, for sure – but much more. But the real question is: what do I do about this now?

If I truly listened to my heart, what would be different in my life right now? If I could change everything – or nothing, for that matter – with the snap of my fingers and magically step into a life that felt more aligned with who I really am – what would that look like?

It feels both scary and a little depressing. Scary (and exciting) looking to the future while depressing looking at the past.

As Marianne Williamson said, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

When I can see or envision what I could have been, and realize that I spent decades of my life living as somebody else, living according to someone else’s idea of what I should do in order to fit into society it is sobering. Its depressing. I wasted so much time.

Even though I’ve been studying these concepts for more than a decade, I’m still doing it. I’ve been operating under the guise that I’m teaching others about their potential, helping restore their health not only through nutrition but also by encouraging them to live in alignment with who they truly are, to listen to their hearts.

And yet I’m still playing the same game. I’m still sitting at the same table. Teaching others has helped me to understand and see this – but it is not my purpose.

What I really need to do is not only leave this table, but leave this room. What – and throw away all the years of training, the thousands of dollars I’ve spent on courses and certifications? That feels scary. So unknown.

But to continue on this same path, knowing its not my true heart’s desire, is throwing good after bad. And in this month’s scroll – Og encourages us to challenge why we would do such a thing. What if this were my last day on earth?

There are so many people living alternative lifestyles outside the cultural norm who are so much happier for it. And what is ironic is that I was once one of them.

Back in the 1990s, my husband and I sold everything and moved aboard our 36-foot wooden sailboat. We “sailed into the sunset.” It sounds like a romantic dream, and at times it was. But in reality, it was also challenging and difficult.

Its not a life for everyone and we witnessed many divorces out there. Yet it was incredibly rewarding, and I wouldn’t change a day of it. I would not be who I am today if I hadn’t had that experience. It’s not what we see along the way, but who we become on the journey.

I never wanted to come back from that life. We knew people who lived on their boats full-time and that was their life. They bartered and traded, gathered food, their needs were met. They lived outside the cultural box. I wanted that life. I was happy.

But we came back to start a family, to do the responsible thing – with the expectation of going back out again when we were financially ‘settled’.

And those next 30 years… well, they didn’t go so well. We were not operating from our true nature. I survived it, certainly not without consequence, but my husband did not.

So today, knowing what I know, what will I do with this? Time will tell. But the hero’s journey has begun again – one I abandoned 40 years ago.

There is a reason that despite all the advances in medicine and everything we know about health and wellness, heart disease is still the number one killer worldwide. I believe it is because we shut down the heart.

We override its intelligence in favor of what we think we should be, and abandon our true nature. We abandoned our heart, which over time suffers greatly as a result.

Steps include chipping away at the stone. Remove the plaque buildup. Have the courage to sing. This is my path.

How it will unfold is exciting. Adventure awaits!