Mark commented that this is another pivotal week, where many drop out of the program.

When I hear that, a part of me immediately says “that won’t be me!” And yet… I can feel the resistance… its as if the cement has a life of its own and it’s clinging desperately to what is left, in panic.

In all honesty I’ve fallen off the path a little. It was all I could do from Thanksgiving through the middle of January to keep up with the assignments, and we are reminded that it’s not about maintaining the scholarship but actually doing the work to the level that it really changes us.

This is the goal – not simply to get a passing grade – but actually become the person we know we can be, to self-actualize. But this is a typical and known, predictable schedule, has been for a decade, and it’s a schedule I wish to break, hence joining this program.

But even if I repeated it a year from now, unless I make this radical shift in my life, my schedule will be the same. My intent is to truly change from the inside out.

I feel many shifts, are they miraculous yet? In some ways yes, other ways outwardly there’s no real difference. If anything, I’m less involved, listening more, speaking less, holding my opinions and observing.

No one is saying I seem happier, but I feel the shift inside of something deeper, knowing physical manifestation as a lag in time to catch up. I’m OK with that.

But the last two weeks, despite me having a better schedule, life still happens in unexpected ways. I persist and develop my skills as the mariner develops his, by learning to ride out the wrath of each storm.

This time in the form of mom being admitted to the hospital for a few days; but these are gifts in disguise. It’s another opportunity to show that it’s not the things around me that determine my life, but who I am and my response to it. One storm at a time.

Reading the first point of the daily blueprint builder this morning: I do not simply do the best I can, but my best. It’s an interesting line, because sometimes I feel like I am just simply doing the best that I can, and indeed that is my best… But in truth taking one step more is not that difficult.

What is difficult for me though is there can always be another step, and another, and another… At what point do I say I did my best? I don’t think it’s healthy to go to the point of exhaustion, which I have done so many times.

This is where the sit comes in, to really know myself. Away from the identity of who I think I should be, who the world expects me to be. But who I really am.

And these last couple of weeks I question how much of the daily activities that I’m still attempting to manage, keep in my life because I’ve done them for so long… Because people count on me and expect it of me (I believe).

Now I’m asking specifically if this particular activity is part of the continuous action toward the attainment of my definite purpose in life, or is it merely a distraction that reinforce the cement?

Reinforcing the identity that I have built in my life has a sense of safety and security. But my heart knows when its leading away versus toward happiness and joy. It will guide me, if I have the patience to listen and the courage to embark on the journey.

I have some catch up to complete a few areas that have I’ve rushed through, skipped over, abbreviated. These weeks – months, are about embodiment. Not just going through the motions but laying down the program in the body.

Becoming the living expression or personification of it… We must “be” before we can “do”, and we can “do” only to the extent which we “are” and what we “are” depends on what we “think” form follows thought. There is no other way.