I used to say/believe “You can’t save the people you care about from the thing that will get them in the end; themselves.”

I was wrong. What was true was that “I” couldn’t save “people” (including myself) from “the thing that would get me in the end; myself. Because I knew I was my own worst enemy. So that was how I saw the world.

I used to wonder about people who were addicted to substances like alcohol or cigarettes that were ruining their health and their lives. It’s like a self-imposed prison I’d say.

But I was doing the same exact thing with my addiction to self-defeating thoughts and emotions without realizing it!

I’ve wondered if my fear of death explains why I prefer misery over joy. My misery keeps me looking forward to the relief of death (which is inevitable). But living with joy would underscore the tremendous loss that would occur if death were to come prematurely.

My conscious mind sees how nuts this line of reasoning is. But my subconscious has to be reprogrammed.

Being raised in a religious household where we were taught that this life is nothing more than a preparation for the “afterlife” has programmed my subconscious. I consciously don’t believe that at all anymore. But it is still in my subconscious, I think.