Currently, I’m deep into a health cleanse and the other day I was struck by a new physical and mental state. It wasn’t the “energetic” buzz I was used to; instead, I felt spacey, calm, and mellow.
This was alarming.
That new, quiet state instantly triggered my personal nightmare. I was terrified I was “losing my spark” and becoming “beige”—invisible, worthless , and forgettable.
To understand why that’s so terrifying, you have to know I’m the outgoing, “Yellow” personality in a family of introverts.
Growing up, I was conditioned to play small, be quiet, and fall in line. It was a role that never felt right.
There was little room for self-expression. Even my creative achievements were praised in passing, requested only on demand—when it was time to entertain others.
I always had mixed emotions about those moments, feeling used rather than celebrated.
In fact, It fed right into that awful dynamic of being “too much” and, simultaneously, “not enough.”
The last thing I ever wanted was to become the very “beige” that my family seemed to wear with pride.
I fought it to no avail and I conformed for a really long time. Never able to actually get what I wanted, I found myself unable to speak up on my behalf, ultimately trapped in a life I didn’t want, with seemingly no escape.
So when I suddenly felt my brightness draining away in this new “spacey” calm, I panicked! I felt helpless, and in that moment, I just cried. A lot.
The tears brought clarity. I wasn’t losing myself. I was grieving the loss of an old identity.
For years, I had confused the anxious, chaotic energy of food and caffeine addiction for my “vibrancy.” It was my way of rebelling against being “beige.”
Finally, I realized that my brain was just on a constant roller-coaster of sugar highs and caffeine jolts, a “me” trapped in a cycle of toxic hunger and toxic thought patterns.
That wasn’t true vibrancy; it was just a lie. Today, that prison is gone.
That “spacey” feeling isn’t “beige” at all. It’s just the temporary fog of my brain “shifting gears” off the old, toxic fuel.
The calm underneath it? That’s peace. For what feels like the first time ever, I am mentally genuinely calm.
This is exactly the “drill” MKE talks about: You must let go of who you were to become who you are.
I’m letting go and dusting off my hands!
Goodbye, “dopamine addict.”
Goodbye, “trapped wife.”
Goodbye, “daughter” tangled in toxic family dynamics.
I’m not losing myself… I am finding myself.
The tears were an indication of change, a total release. That “vibrant” anxiety is gone, and in its place is something far better.
Because I’m out of that toxic environment and free from those old thought patterns, I can finally be the true “Yellow” I was always meant to be.
I’m not losing my spark; I’m just learning to fuel it.
I’m becoming a vibrant Yellow who can finally turn all that fun and all those big ideas into reality, with the power to see them all the way through.
This cleanse, this mental work… it’s all part of a strategic move. I’m sharpening my edge. I’m building the foundation for a life of my design, my brand of freedom.
This foundation is what makes the realization of my DMP inevitable.
