Stillness

I have yet to sit completely still for 15 minutes. Last night I attempted but my bed felt uncomfortable so I propped a pillow and reclined a bit.

My husband came in and kissed me not even halfway through. He reminded me that the instructions say not to lounge. I reached over and turned out the light.

I thought I might have time this morning. I did my readings but did not have the time to sit still for 15 minutes before I had to leave for work. So, in between my classes teaching music I used my free period to attempt again.

There’s a little picnic table under a tree between buildings. I sat there with my computer and Haanel open in front of me so that if someone walked by I would appear to be reading.

This strategy worked only until the vice principal walked by with a loud, friendly “Hello” and an update on classes next week. I responded and thanked him.

I tried again, setting my phone alarm for 15 minutes. Listening, my body felt alive with every small sensation. Suddenly my feet felt awkward on the ground. A crow cawed rhythmically in the distance.

The wind blew wisps of hair, tickling around my face. The smallest of sensations felt strong and impending. I began to write this blog in my head. I could hear myself internally writing my thoughts, as if I could multitask while attempting the practice of doing nothing.

The breeze felt warm. Birds sang in the distance while the crow still continued his regular call. An ant bit me on my ankle and I had to move. I brushed him away and watched a mosquito circling out of the corner of my eye, but resolved not to swat at it.

I stared at a speck of dust next to my computer keyboard for the duration of the time, except when the custodian wheeled a garbage bin by. I remained still as she turned the corner.

She smiled at me and I made eye contact and smiled without moving. I wondered if moving only my eyeballs and smiling counts as remaining still. I think not.

I continued to blog in my head. I noticed the birds were now still and at some point, without me being aware, the crow had ceased his regular calls. Something about the warm outdoor stillness and the occasional sound of planes flying overhead reminded me of my childhood.

I thought about how children are free from the drive to always be getting something accomplished, or the need to feel constantly productive.

Since I just joined this Master Key Experience (MKE) adventure a bit late, I was doing the Chapter 1 exercise from Haanel, which did not ask me to take control of my thoughts, only my body – thank God!

That will be the next exercise. This was by far the hardest part of this process thus far. I will continue to practice.