This week’s lessons stirred some profound thoughts about me (as they have from the beginning!). As uncomfortable as they are, realizing and acknowledging them are key to breaking away more of the cement.

I realize I have had conflicting thoughts or understandings about myself my entire life. Thoughts I innately have about myself and those I conjured up because of how I was treated by others or situations.

My father abandoned my family when I was young. Later in adulthood, I rekindled a relationship with him, I enjoyed it, and nurtured it as best I could. Through all our discussions, he shared an observation about me that deep down I was already aware of.

He told me, “You have great ideas and thoughts, but NO Follow-through! You need to make a decision, right or wrong, and move forward with it”. ( Hmmm, had he read Haanel?)

I realize now, I had no follow-through because of fear, doubt discouragement. Fear that it would be a bad decision, doubt of my value and worthiness. I had given away my power to other people’s idea of me and their expectations.

In my solitude, I had inspiring thoughts of myself, that I was strong, resilient, capable, worthy, among others. I knew what career I wanted, pursued it and was successful. I had a goal to complete a marathon and did it.

I knew I needed to leave my toxic marriage, though terrified, I did it and began to heal and grow. I changed careers and walked away from a good retirement, but I thrived in my new one. And yet, I lived a yo-yo life – gaining strength to grow only to fall back into the cement.

Haanel says “the only way to keep from going backward is to keep moving forward. Eternal vigilance is the price of success”. First, the knowledge of my power, second courage to dare, third, the faith to do.

Thought is omnipotent, an ideal, but it must be sharp, clear-cut, definite. Looking back, I adapted my “ideal’ to my spouse’s desires, to my boss’s, to my friend’s, family, etc… thinking I was good and productive only to become sad for not achieving what I wanted.

Now my focus will be on me and me alone. I must learn that “the only real power which I can have is the power to adjust myself to Divine and unchangeable principles”. I must stick to MY principles that my moral and ethical consciousness tells me.

The more I recite my dmp, ppn’s, the readings, seeing the colors and shapes, listening to my own voice state my success, the stronger I become and in charge of my own life.

One of my favorite Christmas songs is ‘Believe” by Josh Grobin. While listening to it over the holiday, I heard the lyrics loud this year and I got goosebumps!! “Believe in what you feel inside, and give your dreams the wings to fly, You have everything you need, if you just Believe.”

I am beginning to feel like a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly – my wings are developing!